whether or not Your lips move

You speak to me

the beauty of the tension of balance November 10, 2009

Well… I didn’t post last week. Sorry everyone.

The past week and a half, I have learned that life is often about living in between two completely opposing emotions, and that this is okay.

I have an intense desire to be a mother. It’s funny, because I used to swear I would never have kids. But as I’ve gotten older, I look back and realize that I have always had a mother’s heart. I didn’t always know how to handle “mothering” emotions in positive ways and often confused them for something else, but now I know that God has put within me His nurturing Spirit.

I’m learning to strike a healthy balance when it comes to unmet desires in my life. In the past I would either take things into my own hands and completely screw everything up, or would shut down my wants and needs so I couldn’t be disappointed. Now I am learning that desire is something God puts within us, especially desire for relationship. The mess comes in when we try to fulfill our desires apart from His direction, or try to protect ourselves from pain by convincing ourselves it’s better to shut down the desire.

Now I see that I can actively have an aching need to be a mother, but can also be content while waiting for it to happen in God’s timing. It’s perfectly fine for me to openly weep when I have a negative pregnancy test. It’s expected that I will feel a painful longing when I hear that another friend is pregnant or adopting. But I can also know that God has things for me to enjoy, important lessons for me to learn, exciting things for me to do in the here and now that I would not be able to experience under any other circumstances. He has a purpose for me and if I will wait on Him, everything will be better than I can imagine.

It’s interesting how much of life is paradoxical. I think this is the beauty of living in the in-between times of life… the beauty of the tension of balance.

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, So our eyes look to the LORD our God, Until He is gracious to us. (Psalm 123:2, NASB)

You have caused her heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of her lips. (Psalm 21:2)

“But tension is to be loved, when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord.” (Sixpence None the Richer)

 

Memory markers October 29, 2009

This week I was reminded of the importance of remembering.

One of my favorite hymns is “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.” My favorite line is “Here I raise mine Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I’m come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home: Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.”

I’ve heard that some churches have rewritten this line because the word “Ebenezer” just makes everyone think of Scrooge. Well, this week in community group, I led us in investigating this word, its meaning, and the implications for us.

Ebenezer means “stone of help.” In 1 Samuel 7, after the Israelites had defeated the Philistines, Samuel set up a rock and named it Ebenezer.

Now, to us this would probably be a bit of a strange sight. But not for them; setting up a bunch of rocks was extremely meaningful. Later when their children or others would ask, “Hey…why is there this big pile of rocks here?” or “Why does this rock have a name?” it would be a perfect opportunity to tell them a story of God’s intervention and deliverance. Over and over in Scripture, God tells His people to REMEMBER. Throughout the Bible there are certain stories that are repeated (particularly the exodus) so that future generations would REMEMBER.

Last night we talked about this story and shared our own stories of God’s intervention. Every person has at least one. And the more you view the world as full of miracles, the more you tend to notice them.

One of my favorite things to do in the world is to listen to others tell stories of how God has “interrupted their day” as our pastor, Gary, would say. I remember my grandfather telling us the story of how he felt an angel holding his arm back from whacking off all his fingers with a butcher knife while he was trying to cut off a piece of chocolate from a huge brick of it. Last night we shared stories of how details worked out to bring us all to living in Nashville. I can recall countless miracles that have happened to those I know, from “big” stuff like being freed from addiction or walking away from a deadly wreck, down to “small” stuff like a narrow miss or being at the right place at the right time.

I think it’s important to make “memory markers” of some sort that can help us remember these events. Because there are going to be times when even though we are being obedient and loving God with all we’ve got, we will be so low and discouraged that we wonder if God forgot us or if we heard Him right in the first place. There are going to be times when we just don’t understand why a certain situation is going the way it is, or why a certain loved one is being the way they are. We’re going to feel lost and alone and like maybe God is mad at us.

These are the times we’ve got to remember. These are the times we need to recall the TRUE nature of God—that He loves us deeply and will never let us go through anything that can’t be worked out for our own good in the end. That He has rescued us before and He will do it again. I don’t know about you, but I desperately need that hope!

What do you use as these “reminders?” A ring or bracelet? A tattoo? A poster on the wall? A big rock in your front yard? Whatever would serve as a good reminder to you of how God has intervened in your life in the past, I recommend having one on hand at all times. He’s brought you this far and won’t ever leave you. Don’t give yourself a chance to forget His love and power that is at work within you.

 

God speaks October 21, 2009

Today I learned (again) that God loves to speak to us. The key is that we need to be listening.

I’ve been asked a few times by new followers of Jesus how in the world you can “hear” from a person you can’t see. Or email. Or friend on facebook. (Well, that’s probably not entirely true, I’m sure some smarty pants out there has made a profile for Jesus.) It definitely takes some time, and I’m definitely no “expert” listener… there are times in my life that I get so wrapped up in other things that I forget to really stop and be still. God’s voice is often very, very quiet. Quiet but powerful.

Back in college I led a Bible study by Henry Blackaby called Experiencing God. (I highly recommend it to all who follow Jesus or who are thinking about it.) Blackaby writes that God speaks primarily through His Word (the Bible), but also through circumstances and other Christ-followers. However, as He speaks through circumstances and other people, nothing He says will ever contradict what He’s already said in Scripture.

This is why I adamantly stress that you must be immersing yourself in God’s Word on a continual basis. Yes, even the books of Leviticus and Ezekiel and others that seem daunting or out of place. (It’s also important to read the entire Bible from cover to cover at least once in your life, because you will get the big picture of God’s redemptive story.) Themes, events, and names will start to pop out at you as you grow more familiar with them. You’ll start to catch yourself thinking about certain passages of Scripture as God uses them to hook you into His presence throughout your day. You’ll find yourself speaking God’s words back to Him in prayer, while pouring your heart out to Him. And this, my friends, is communicating with God.

As you immerse yourself in Scripture, you will begin to see the world around you a bit differently than before. It won’t happen overnight, but eventually you will start to notice that He uses people and situations to communicate with you. Look for His face in the flowers outside your apartment building. Listen for His voice in the thunderstorm. See His hand as a mother cares for her newborn. Notice how certain themes will become noticeable—for instance, last night my husband, Aaron, told me that just because writing and teaching isn’t necessarily in my current day-job description, I should still write and teach. So I posted last night’s blog. I prayed for more encouragement. Then today I made a new friend who wrote that I don’t need a position in order to write and teach. God moved in each of these ways and I got the message—“Write and teach, dear child!”

It is my sincere prayer that every person who reads this will hear from God, because He is constantly speaking to us.

 

i want to write and teach. October 20, 2009

Filed under: identity, stuff I've learned — Ash @ 9:07 pm

I have a really good life. But sometimes I find that there is a part of myself just waiting to burst out–to use an overly-used but really perfect metaphor–like a butterfly from a cocoon. Like I’m *this* close to being who I really am, who God made me to be.

I’m an overachiever by nature. I figured out really early on in life that people would like me if I was smart or could do something for them. (And yes, I have addressed this issue in my life.) Sometimes I work hard at attempting to slack off in some things simply so I can have a moment to breathe. At any rate. At the risk of disappointing myself by falling short of the goal I am about to make, I think it would be good anyway.

I’m going to write a blog post at least once a week for the next 3 months about something I learned that week and think someone else  out there in cyberspace (do people still use that word? maybe I should be cool and say ‘interwebs’ instead) might need/want to know too.

So for this first post, today I learned (again) that it is important to be true to yourself and to who you are. This requires knowing yourself, which is of course a sometimes difficult and tricky lifelong process. I also believe it requires knowing God and where you stand with Him, because who you are in Christ is what it all boils down to at the end of the day. All your uniqueness and giftedness is held together with that glue, because even if you can’t DO anything you still have an identity in Him.

 

here’s to you… July 28, 2009

Filed under: positive things — Ash @ 10:08 pm

I’ve read so many horrible news headlines the past few days. Ones that have literally made my stomach turn. But it’s reality. I’ve been reading an awful lot of negative stuff about the church in general and also about young adults regarding church. Most of it is accurate, research-based, and well-deserved. We need to grapple with it and decide what we’re going to do to change things.

But I think we all need some positives. So, if you’d permit me, I’d like to grab this soapbox over here…

I have friends who routinely give up several months of their lives to live in other countries and help people by meeting both their physical and spiritual needs.

I have friends who grow some of their own food in an effort to sustain themselves and live less materialistically.

I have friends who are adopting orphans and giving them loving homes they never even dreamed of.

I have friends who refuse to shop at certain stores because they want to support local businesses.

I have friends who are passionate about getting clean water to people in Africa and the Caribbean and give their time, talents, and money to help.

I have friends who are amazing parents to their children and are helping them love Jesus every day.

I have friends who view the church as people and refuse to buy into the idea that the church is useless or hopeless.

I have friends who are living life to the fullest even in the face of crippling illness.

I have friends who would rather spend a free evening with the elderly or the homeless than anything else in the world.

I have friends who are incredibly talented musically and could be living like rock stars but aren’t because they want to help others.

I have friends who are facing the most horrifying times of their lives but are choosing to hold on to Jesus for better or for worse.

I have friends who purposely live in the “bad” parts of town because they want to know the people who live there.

I have friends who spend their days helping teach kids who have been labeled unteachable.

I have friends who expend enormous amounts of energy working as nurses so that the rest of us can be healthy.

I have friends who are being treated for cancer and have an appreciation for life that we all can take note of.

I have friends who are caring for terminally ill family members but find the joy in spending each moment they can with them.

I have friends who have experienced the ultimate betrayal and yet choose to risk their hearts to love.

There are so many more positive things I could say about the people in my life.

Let’s brag on one another a little bit more and rag on one another a little bit less.

 

Stages of Faith Development June 28, 2009

(This is from a paper I wrote for my Human Behavior class at Oxford Graduate School. These views do not necessarily reflect the views of OGS, my church, or my employer. The terms in bold are my terms, not Fowler’s.)

There are dozens upon dozens of perspectives on human development related to psychology. However, there are relatively few works on human development that relate to spiritual growth in such a way that can be applied to nearly any person along any stage of the spiritual journey. There also seems to be a lack of a definition of spiritual maturity within Christian circles. In a recent Barna study, the researchers found that 81% of self-identified Christians agreed that spiritual maturity meant “trying hard to follow the rules described in the Bible” (2009). This rules-based understanding reveals that Christian adults may be trapped along the path of spiritual development rather than moving forward.

James Fowler, in his book Stages of Faith, provides readers with a thorough explanation of six different stages a person may go through in his or her lifetime alongside his or her conception of God. Later in this paper we will explore his ideas regarding the stages of faith development. First, we will briefly investigate how one might begin to discover what the driving force in his or her life is.

In order to discover what one’s life treasure and driving force (God) truly is, a person can ask him/herself some pointed questions: For what and for whom am I willing to expend the most energy? On what do I spend most of my time? What do I most enjoy doing? What dreams and goals are the most important to me and how far am I willing to go to see them come to fruition? In what or whom do I place the most trust? What is my purpose for living? To what or to whom am I so committed that I would die rather than betray it or him? The answers to these questions can help a person know what is the driving force behind his or her life, and thus begin to discover what or who his or her God really is.

Many who claim to be Christians may be surprised at their answers to the questions above. Many may discover that the God of the Bible—Father, Son, Holy Spirit—may not be their ultimate source of living, enjoyment, and power. Some may find they have very noble intentions for leading their lives being transformed into the likeness of Christ, but that this cannot and will not happen while “other gods” command their attention. They may be even more surprised to discover that these “gods” come in forms of the friendly and the urgent—ministry, family members, church activities, hobbies, careers, and the like. Or, some may find that they need a better understanding of who God really is, what He is really like, and that they must be willing to let God “out of His box” by examining their conceptions of Him and whether they line up with Scripture.

This process of getting to know God is, of course, one that takes a lifetime and is a task that, being in its nature relational, will never be “finished”. All individuals, including those of world religions and those that claim they are atheists, are somewhere along the faith journey and are somewhere in their relationship to God. World religions, while they are not paths in and of themselves to the one true God, almost always have just enough truth mixed in and just enough knowledge of the human condition to draw in converts. The god of atheists is essentially the fight against their innermost longings for the one true God. As Fowler states, “Our real worship, our true devotion directs itself toward the objects of our ultimate concern. … Ultimate concern is a much more powerful matter than claimed belief in a creed or a set of doctrinal propositions. Faith as a state of being ultimately concerned may or may not find its expression in institutional or cultic religious forms. Faith so understood is very serious business. It involves how we make our life wagers. It shapes the ways we invest our deepest loves and our most costly loyalties” (1981, p. 4). So, while world religion adherents and atheists may not realize it, their spirits are in some stage of development. Sadly, they may never be exposed to the Truth. For the purposes of this paper, we will be focusing on the Christian’s faith journey.

For many, the stage of faith development corresponds to his or her current life stage (infancy, preschool, school-aged, adolescent, young adult, mature adult). However, as we will discover, this is not true for all Christian adults. This is not necessarily “good” or “bad,” but can perhaps assist followers of Christ in assessing their spiritual growth and help them determine any courses of action they may need to implement.

We can briefly compare the “ideal” spiritual progression to physical growth. The spiritual journey begins much like organic life does—in infancy. As infants, we have the important task of building trust. As very young children, we fuse fact, fantasy, and feeling; relating to God is somewhat magical (Stage 1). Once we begin to develop concrete operational thinking, we transition into a time of exploration, sorting out what is real from what is make-believe, and often relate to God based on reciprocity (Stage 2). As our childhood period grows toward adolescence, we develop formal operational thinking and transition into a much more complicated area of spiritual life. We begin to see God as our lives’ “significant decisive other,” as Fowler puts it, relating to God on a much more intimate and mysterious level, while defining ourselves by the allegiances we form with groups (Stage 3). As we develop critical thinking skills and upon leaving home for college or career, we often experience a crisis of faith that leads us to deconstruct and examine our beliefs like never before and we relate to God in ways that are demythologizing (Stage 4). Eventually a deeper longing for the mysterious draws us into a period of reconstructing beliefs, openness to conversation/exploration, and increasing comfort with paradox; we enter into what Fowler calls a “second naiveté” (Stage 5). As we begin to see the world for what it is, we will often feel tension between whether we should spend our energy on attempting to change the world or not. The ultimate goal for all followers of Christ is to live a life in which beliefs and love run so far in our beings that we become incarnations of love and live in “redemptive subversiveness,” as Fowler puts it (Stage 6).

Let us now explore each stage a little more in depth. But as a first word, we must realize that this journey is not a linear one. Followers of Christ may flow back and forth between stages before landing in one where they will spend more time at any given point in their lives.

Stage 1: The Magical. Most of us can remember our favorite make-believe games from when we were very young, the story lines we created for our toys, and imaginary friends. For those who were raised in homes where church was a priority, some of us probably remember our favorite Bible story or a part of the church service we found interesting—what did the fish look like that swallowed Jonah? Why do we drink grape juice some Sundays but not others? What does God look like? We collect imagery and ideas along the way that will form a basis for much of our spiritual development later. Fowler cites, “Dr. Rizzuto finds that despite our secularization and religious fragmentation, religious symbols and language are so widely present in this society that virtually no child reaches school age without having constructed—with or without religious instruction—an image or images of God” (p. 129).

For adults who become followers of Christ later in life and who have had relatively little exposure to the Bible and religious symbolism, they will go through some of the same discovery that a young child will. Stage 1 may not last as long for an adult of course, since he or she has already developed concrete operational thinking. But in some sense, adults must grapple with the “magical” side of faith. In essence, faith is the most important step learned in Stage 1. Depending on the person’s development in the area of trust (which can be influenced by any number of factors), developing initial faith may be quite a long process. Faith is, of course, developed, tested, and refined as we go throughout all the stages of spiritual development, and our trust in God grows deeper as we face the everyday challenges of life.

Stage 2: Exploration. During Stage 2, children (and adults) will begin to sift through what is real and what is imaginary. Religious symbols will be completely tied to the meaning that they represent, and those in this stage do not have the ability or thought to step outside of this paradigm to examine beliefs. This is an extremely critical point of development for children emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Parents and adults must take care in what they expect from children spiritually during the school-age years. Fowler writes, “Because the child’s appropriations of and personal constructions of meaning with these symbolic elements is unpredictable and because insisting on conceptual orthodoxy at this age is both premature and dangerous, parents and teachers should create an atmosphere in which the child can freely express, verbally and nonverbally, the images she or he is forming. Where this expression is allowed and encouraged, the child is taken seriously and adults can provide appropriate help in dealing with crippling, distorted or destructive images the child has formed” (pp. 132-133). In other words, rather than attempting to force children to adhere to the same expectations as adult believers, parents and faith leaders should focus on creating environments in which children can process their spiritual formation on levels that are appropriate for them. They can then go about the work of helping the child formulate ideas and foundations that are more accurately based on Scriptural teachings that have been crafted for his or her level of understanding and learning.

Fowler warns of the potential consequences of failing to allow children to grow spiritually at their own pace. “There are religious groups who subject Intuitive-Projective children to the kind of preaching and teaching that vividly emphasize the pervasiveness and power of the devil, the sinfulness of all people without Christ and the hell of fiery torments that await the unrepentant. This kind of faith formation—and its equivalent in other religious traditions—can ensure a dramatic ‘conversion experience’ by the time the child is seven or eight. It runs the grave risk, however, of leading to what Philip Helfaer calls ‘precocious identity formation’ in which the child, at conversion, takes on the adult faith identity called for by the religious group. This often results when the child is an adult in the emergence of a very rigid, brittle and authoritarian personality” (p. 132).

During this stage of development, children (and some adults) will often relate to God reciprocally. If you are a good boy or girl, God will bless you. If you are a bad boy or girl, God will punish you. Many adults live in a similar stage of faith development, believing that if they store up good deeds, God will overlook it when they sin or will bless them in some particularly special way. It is important for parents and faith leaders to recognize these unscriptural beliefs and to assist children and adults along the path of understanding concepts such as sin and grace on the levels at which they function. This will, of course, require a bit more effort and one-on-one attention than many faith leaders or parents may be accustomed to giving in this area, but they will recognize the magnitude of importance.

Stage 3: Allegiances. The adolescent years are focused on identity formation, gaining acceptance, and deciding with which “group” one will align. We see this within spiritual formation as well. As teens explore their growing independence, they begin to decide who will take the role of the “significant decisive other.” Fowler writes, “Previous literalism breaks down; new ‘cognitive conceit’ (Elkind) leads to disillusionment with previous teachers and teachings. Conflicts between authoritative stories (Genesis on creation versus evolutionary theory) must be faced. The emergence of mutual interpersonal perspective taking … creates the need for a more personal relationship with the unifying power of the ultimate environment” (p. 150). The significant decisive other is the one to whom the teen looks for ultimate advice on important moral decisions but also for everyday concerns, whether consciously or unconsciously. For many this ends up being a peer group or parents or clergy, but for some this role will eventually be filled by God the Holy Spirit.

Marks of Stage 3 are a desire for a more intimate, personal way of relating to God, reflection on the meaning behind religious symbols (although they are still unable to be separated from one another), and developing one’s story of faith, or “testimony.” Teens in Stage 3 are developing self-consciousness, and thus are quite egocentric. Adolescents begin to learn how to accept others’ opinions and will be forced to investigate why they believe what they believe. We see this focus among adults in Stage 3 as they place stressed importance on apologetics and taking a firm stance on political and social issues.

We see marks of Stage 3 in the modern church as a whole with ideas such as church membership, expected political alignment (whether spoken or unspoken), and business meetings. We also see marks of Stage 3 in the stress of the importance of a “personal relationship” with God. Perhaps the most obvious mark of Stage 3 in the modern church is the importance placed on the role of clergy and the wide difference of “expectations” between clergy and laity. Fowler points out, “… there is always the danger of becoming permanently dependent upon and subject to what Sharon Parks calls the ‘tyranny of the they’. For Stage 3, with its beginnings in adolescence, authority is located externally to the self. It resides in the interpersonally available ‘they’ or in the certified incumbents of leadership roles in institutions” (p. 154).

Some catalysts that may move a Stage 3 believer toward Stage 4 include the crisis of faith and self-examination that often accompany “leaving home”. For teenagers, graduating from high school and leaving home for college, the military, family, or career is a very critical time in faith development. In 2007, LifeWay Research found that about 70% of church-attending teens will leave the church by age 23 (Grossman, 2007). This crucial time often includes questioning and rejection of the “significant decisive other” and authority figures and precedes an investigation of one’s beliefs. Even for adult believers in Stage 3, this transition can lead to Stage 4 of faith development.

Stage 4: Deconstruction. Stage 4 faith can be a very uncomfortable, difficult stage. This stage includes much questioning and analyzing of oneself and one’s faith. The faith symbols that an individual has grown accustomed to are looked at from an objective point of view. The meaning of the symbols is separated from the symbols themselves in a process Fowler calls “demythologizing”. He writes, “Instead of the symbol or symbolic act having the initiative and exerting its power on the participant, now the participant-questioner has the initiative over against the symbol. For those who have previously enjoyed an unquestioning relation to the transcendent and to their fellow worshipers through a set of religious symbols, Stage 4’s translations of their meanings into conceptual prose can bring a sense of loss, dislocation, grief and even guilt” (p. 180). Persons in Stage 4 may even feel that they are walking the line of orthodoxy, and may often feel quite alone during their demythologizing process. Or, they may develop what Fowler calls the “executive ego” and will take more initiative in his or her faith development.

For individuals in Stage 4, the “either/or” becomes very important. The Stage 4 believer can often come across to others as critical or narcissistic as he or she draws conclusions that are, for him or her, revolutionary and new. Some individuals in this stage can run the risk of reverting to a form of intolerance and pride that places dogmatic emphasis on their own being “right” about certain subjects or aspects of faith and religious practice while at the same time claiming to be very open-minded.

While Stage 4 can be a challenge, there are positive results of this analytical search, such as the ability to communicate one’s faith journey in a way that reveals deeper critical thinking and reflection or a renewed passion for truth. If one is to successfully transition from Stage 4 to Stage 5, he or she must have the diligence to work through the discomfort and find a way to reassemble a new way of living out faith on the other side.

Stage 5: Reconstruction. The path to Stage 5 and reconstructing one’s faith begins with a deeper longing for the mysterious. Perhaps the individual remembers the “simpler times” of his or her childhood when relating to God was magical. Perhaps he or she begins to realize that not all questions must have answers, that God can be both intimately knowable and mysterious at the same time. He or she will move slowly away from the either/or mindset of Stage 4 and into one that embraces paradox—the “both/and”. Persons in this stage begin to foster a deep appreciation for dialogue and conversational exploration, even if no conclusions are drawn or no particular “destination” is reached.

Another mark of a person in this faith stage is tolerance and acceptance of others as people. The Stage 5 believer has done the hard work of firming his or her foundational beliefs and will not waver on core issues he or she feels are worth dying for. But while he or she may completely disagree with another on issues such as lifestyle choice, religious belief, or denominational preference, the Stage 5 individual is able to discover nuggets of God’s truth in nearly any situation or group of people. As Fowler writes, Stage 5 faith “suspects that things are organically related to each other; it attends to the pattern of interrelatedness in things, trying to avoid force-fitting to its own prior mind set. … In a mutual ‘speaking’ and ‘hearing,’ knower and known converse in an I-Thou relationship. The knower seeks to accommodate her or his knowing to the structure of that which is being known before imposing her or his own categories upon it” (p. 185). This will have a significant impact on how the Stage 5 believer approaches God and other people in his or her life mission. The Stage 5 believer does not, however, embrace a pluralistic view of God or believe that “all roads lead to heaven;” instead, he or she is more interested in the journey of conversation that can occur between dissenting individuals. As Aristotle said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

As Stage 5 believers begin to again embrace more symbolic or mysterious aspects of faith, they may be considered idealistic or naïve by others. But the Stage 5 believer often has, whether consciously or unconsciously, chosen the “second naiveté”. Fowler writes, “With its attention to the organic and interconnected character of things Stage 5 distrusts the separation of symbol and symbolized, sensing that when we neutralize the initiative of the symbolic, we make a pale idol of any meaning we honor. … Ricoeur’s term ‘second naiveté’ or ‘willed naiveté’ begins to describe Conjunctive faith’s postcritical desire to resubmit to the initiative of the symbolic” (p. 187).

As the Stage 5 believer develops, he or she will encounter a dilemma—the reality of the world. In one’s “naïve” desire to embrace others as beloved creatures of God, he or she will be exposed to the harsh reality of a sinful and fallen world and faced with the decision of whether or not to attempt to intervene. This is the transition toward Stage 6 faith.

Stage 6: Incarnation. Followers of Christ in this stage of faith are, as Fowler writes, “exceedingly rare. … They have become incarnators and actualizers of the spirit of an inclusive and fulfilled human community. They are ‘contagious’ in the sense that they create zones of liberation from the social, political, economic and ideological shackles we place and endure on human futurity. … Life is both loved and held to loosely. Such persons are ready for fellowship with persons at any of the other stages and from any other faith tradition” (pp. 200-201). These individuals are the ones that are most likely to be martyrs due to their radical selfless love and commitment to justice. The most obvious example of Stage 6 faith is, of course, Jesus Christ Himself. It stands to reason that at the heart of any of His followers is the desire to be just like Him. However, Stage 6 faith does not come easily. Fowler states, “It is my conviction that persons who come to embody Universalizing faith are drawn into those patterns of commitment and leadership by the providence of God and the exigencies of history. It is as though they are selected by the great Blacksmith of history, heated in the fires of turmoil and trouble and then hammered into usable shape on the hard anvil of conflict and struggle” (p. 201).

Stages of Faith is a book that every follower of Christ should at least investigate and is a valuable resource for those who shepherd communities of faith on any level. Understanding the progression and nature of spiritual development is essential in order for Christ’s followers to truly embrace and live out their reason for existing—to glorify God by enjoying Him forever—at any stage of faith.

References

Barna (2009). Many churchgoers and faith leaders struggle to define spiritual maturity. The Barna Group. Retrieved from http://www.barna.org/barna-update/article/12-faithspirituality/264-many-churchgoers-and-faith-leaders-struggle-to-define-spiritual-maturity.

Fowler, J. W. (1981). Stages of faith: The psychology of human development and the quest for meaning. San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row Publishers.

Grossman, C. L. (2007, August 6). Young adults aren’t sticking with church. USA Today. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2007-08-06-church-dropouts_N.htm.

 

The Need for Mentoring in Today’s Church: An Appeal to the Older Generations June 25, 2009

Filed under: mentoring — Ash @ 2:03 pm
Tags:

(NOTE: this is from a paper with my own research that I wrote for my mentoring and coaching class at the Oxford Graduate School. I hope to publish some variations of it in a couple of magazines.)

I’d been in similar situations many times before. This time, I was sitting in an ice cream shop with several coworkers when the topic of mentoring came up. I was the youngest one at the table (and also the only female) and seized the opportunity to encourage the others that the younger generations actually are quite open to the idea of being mentored by older adults. “This must be an ‘in-your-twenties’ trendy thing,” one of them said. “My daughter is always going on about the same thing.” I used that to support my case but assured him it isn’t just another fad. Another of them stated wryly, “Well, I really don’t think anyone in their right mind would want me to mentor them.” I tried to reason with him that as long as he was being real with a mentee, he would appreciate any time and effort he had to invest.

These are some of the varying reactions that I’ve received from more mature adults when I tell them people under 35 are very interested in being mentored. Perhaps I am too idealistic, but I’ve been quite surprised at the incredulity some have expressed. It has been difficult to not interpret this as unwillingness and to instead see that possibly some older adults, for whatever reasons, simply lack the self-confidence to view themselves as mentors. I also believe that perhaps the fierce independence of a small percentage of the younger generations (as in, those young, rich, and famous) has overshadowed the majority thread running through us—the desire for community and relationship.

While there is a dire need for mentoring in every area of society in this day and age, this paper will focus on the immediate need for developing mentoring relationships within the Church. As Christ’s ambassadors to the world and as one body with many members, we should be setting the standard for mentoring and life-investment. Other social arenas should be able to look at the Church and say, “Wow. What they are doing is working. How do we get what they have?” Sadly, this is not the case in the majority of today’s American churches.

What exactly do I mean when I use the term “mentoring”? For the purposes of this paper, I will define mentoring as a committed, growing discipleship relationship between two persons for the purposes of both parties’ spiritual and personal maturation, with a focus on the mentee’s needs as primary and the goal being the mentee’s preparation for mentoring others who will mentor others. In many contexts the mentoring relationship may come to a close eventually. However, the mentor may always be involved in the mentee’s life in some form or fashion, as the mentee becomes a mentor him/herself.

Is mentoring in the church really necessary? Absolutely. If I may be so bold, I would like to propose that mentoring in its purest form is disciple-making, and as followers of Christ we are called to be and make disciples. Jesus had a group of twelve disciples, from whom He drew three as special companions. Paul had a special “father-child” relationship with Timothy. Peter had a close friendship with Mark. Each of the early disciples must have passed on Christ’s teaching and lifestyle in intentional yet organic ways. Otherwise, could the essence of Christ-following have been lost to history? Thankfully that isn’t a question to which we need to give much time or thought. The first disciples made other disciples—they mentored, and here we are today. But the church today doesn’t really look like it did back then… or does it?

What are young adults today looking for in a mentoring relationship? It’s pretty simple. We are looking for those who have gone before us in some aspect of life, who have made some mistakes and are willing to be honest about them so we can learn from them. We are drawn to those who are authentic, and we can see through “fake” in a nanosecond. Young adults want to be wanted and wouldn’t mind if you might need us to teach you a thing or two (most would love to show you how to use an iPod and get you a Facebook account if you want one!). A young adult does not need someone who wants to make decisions for her, but instead someone who will take the time to teach her how to make the best decisions possible in everyday life.

Young adults love getting to know other people, really getting to know them, hearing their stories, finding things we have in common, enjoying differences, and learning from one another. The hard part for members of the older generations is getting past the younger generations’ “hard candy shell”. You see, many of us came from broken homes and don’t really know what it means to have a healthy marriage, let alone a healthy dating life or how to have truly healthy relationships. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’re a bit scared that we’ll mess up our kids, if we ever have any. Many of us grew up in Sunday school but got sick of the hypocrisy of “church people” and swore we’d never become like that. (Some of us took that a bit too far and decided we can do without church at all.) We can be a bit jaded and a bit suspicious of those who want to tell us what to do and how to live our lives. However, if you find yourself being particularly drawn to one of us for some reason or another, we would really love it if you were brave and just started talking with us. Ask us to go to lunch, dinner, or coffee. If we shoot you down the first time, pray about it, and try again if you’re led. Basically, don’t give up on us. We’re used to people giving up on us, so if you don’t, that will really speak volumes to us. And honestly, we need someone to model to us what a true, loving commitment is. You just might be that person.

I created an online survey to see if I could get some feedback on different sorts of things people 35 and younger are looking for in a mentor. I collected responses entirely online via e-mail and Facebook and got a total of 335 responses. When asked to choose what sorts of things they would like to do with a mentor, the top three responses were: 90.3% “Have casual conversation;” 81% “Self-evaluation and improvement;” and 74% “Hold me accountable.” The remaining responses (ranked in descending order) were “Pray,” “Study the Bible,” “Career and job coaching,” and “Service projects.” Several wrote in that they would like mentoring in the area of marriage and parenting, making academic choices, and just life in general. I think this shows that a mentoring relationship with a younger adult is not as intimidating as it might seem.

Of the 335 surveyed, 175 said they have had a mentor at some point in their lives. However, 52% of these 175 currently do not have a mentor at all. Those surveyed also had an opportunity to tell me how they would feel about someone older than them asking them to be their mentor, and 298 responded to the question. 92% said they would be open to someone 10 years older than them asking to be their mentor. 87% said they would be open to someone 20 years older than them asking to be their mentor.

It wasn’t a question on the survey, but I only had one person write in that he or she would rather be the one to initiate a mentoring relationship. I think this shows a great openness on the part of younger people to mentoring, but may put a lot of responsibility on you as an older adult that you didn’t realize you had (and that you may not even want right now!).

Many Christ-following adults in the older generations may find themselves in a challenging situation when it comes to finding younger adults to mentor. Recent LifeWay Research studies reveal that about 70% of church-attending teenagers will leave the church by age 23, and 34% of those surveyed had not returned at all by age 30 (Grossman, 2007). Ideally, the mentoring relationship begins organically, with the older adult and the younger adult being mutually drawn to each other by things such as common interests or spending time in the same locations. But with fewer young adults in traditional churches, older adults may not have as many natural opportunities to reach out to younger adults and may have to be a little more creative in their pursuits. In many larger cities, there will be “younger” communities of faith such as church plants or “emergent” churches that are mainly made up of adults under the age of 40 (or in some cases, even younger). While an older adult may feel extremely out of place in a group like this, these are precisely the people who will need him or her the most. Other mentoring opportunities may present themselves in campus ministries, outreach to international students, mother’s day out programs, and even the local coffee shop.

As for my own experience with mentoring, my life would have taken a drastically different path if not for the godly women in my life who were determined to pass on a passion for mentoring and disciple-making. My mentors have lovingly served me as spiritual parents, confidants, counselors, career coaches, and friends. None of them have had any special training in mentoring; they have simply been themselves. They have been honest with me even when it hurts, have admonished me, have encouraged me, and have believed in me.

I hope some of this paper has helped readers realize that mentoring doesn’t have to be a programmatic, stuffy experience, but instead can be a natural progression of an intentional relationship. I know I am asking a lot of you. But I hope that you can see the eternal value of mentoring the younger generations. I don’t think you need any convincing that we’re getting to a critical point in American history when it comes to family, relationships, faith, and community. If mentoring is discipleship, you have been mandated by Christ to be an active participant. I hope you answer the call.

References

Grossman, C. L. (2007, August 6). Young adults aren’t sticking with church. USA Today. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2007-08-06-church-dropouts_N.htm.

 

what i did while i was waiting May 23, 2009

I’ve had a few requests to do a post about what to do while you are waiting to find a person who could potentially be your future mate. I’d like to share part of my journey with you.

I tried for seven years to “make it work” with someone that I really thought was the person I was going to marry. We were very off and on, and I attempted to date other guys when we were “off”. I was always insecure in the relationship (and in myself), always questioning, always making excuses for his behavior. I spent a lot of time being bitter against happy married couples (especially those that had been together less time than I had been with this guy). I passed up a lot of opportunities, such as to travel overseas or study in an exchange program, because I was afraid to leave him behind. I believed that this was my one chance at happiness, and that if I left it I would be alone forever.

So, for part of my waiting time, I put myself through a lot of pain and passed up a lot of amazing opportunities because I was codependent and didn’t really trust God.

When I cut the ties to that relationship, I entered a whole new world. I had to get to know myself as ME and not “me and ___”. I moved back home, didn’t really have many friends in town, and my work schedule didn’t allow me to have much of a social life at first. So I spent most of my free time reading the Bible, healing, journaling, reflecting on my mistakes and successes, creating goals for my life, and making my “dream list” of qualities for a husband. I wanted to try things I hadn’t ever done before. So I began the process to become a missionary overseas. I looked at buying a house. I focused on building into relationships with other females. I became the lead singer of a rock band. I basically decided to try to thrive and not just survive. It was very lonely at times, but I’m so eternally grateful that I relished every moment of it.

Another thing I did during my waiting time was decide that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than with the wrong person in an unhealthy relationship. This was a huge step for me since I had come to really depend on other people for my self-esteem, self-concept, and such. But I came to realize I had lived enough of my life that way and was sick of it. I wanted something better–I wanted God’s best for my life and I promised myself that I would never settle for anything less. This was a scary commitment but I don’t regret it for a second, and I truly believe God will honor anyone who makes it.

During this time I did go on a few dates, thankfully with really awesome guys that loved Jesus and were extremely gentlemanly. They helped me see that a relationship can begin, progress, and end in a healthy manner, without completely tearing each other’s worlds apart. (One of them ended up marrying a good friend of mine!) I think this was an important step for me in my waiting time. I had good boundaries and protected my heart, while also allowing myself to be open to pursuit in an appropriate way. And while I had lots of girly conversations with my best friend about guys, I was able for the most part to keep my head on straight and not allow the “search” to be my reason for living.

So I guess to sum it all up, I would say that I tried to set my eyes in the right direction for the rest of my waiting time and was determined not to settle for less than God’s best. It wasn’t easy and I am certain I failed in some areas. But in the end I don’t have any regrets, even about the painful parts, because they are what helped me become the person I am today.

 

answering the question: question #4 May 22, 2009

Question #4: When is the wedding date?
I have known people who were engaged for a couple of years and are in very happy marriages. I have known people who were engaged for four months and are in very happy marriages.

But I’m not gonna lie. Being engaged STINKS. You will really see some of the worst parts of each other come out during this time. Waiting to have sex until the wedding night can be downright torture. Planning a wedding can be extremely stressful. Family members and their opinions come out of the woodwork. You have to make so many decisions that by the end of it you really wish you had decided to elope. But, engagement really presents a lot of ways for you to more firmly establish your relationship.

Once you are engaged, set a wedding date as soon as possible. I recommend being engaged for no longer than 6 months. Aaron and I were engaged only 4 and had a really nice wedding (and on a small budget!). If your fiance is squeamish about setting a firm date or wants to “wait”, you may need to have a tough conversation about whether you have answered the previous three questions in the best way.

At this point, you should begin discussing all the areas in which you will consummate your marriage. There are five areas of consummation: physical, social, spiritual, financial, and emotional. Take time to discuss each area–your expectations, fears, goals, etc. (And consider discussing the physical consummation somewhere that is public so you don’t jump each other. Just sayin’.)

If at all possible, meet together as a couple with an older couple in a healthy marriage about once a week. I would suggest that this couple not be any set of your parents, but someone outside of your families. I also strongly encourage engaged couples to do premarital counseling. (It’s also good to make some “couple friends” if you don’t have any already, but as a general rule it’s wise to not base friendship on one’s marital status.)

I hope you’ve found “the questions” helpful! As always, any feedback for conversation is great!

 

answering the question: question #3 May 21, 2009

Question #3: Should I be engaged to this person?
If the answer to Question #2 was yes, you will be in an exclusive, committed relationship with that person and looking for the answer to Question #3. This is the time to really get to know each other on a deeper level. Hopefully to this point you have been very honest and real with each other–none of that “best foot forward” crap.

One thing that Aaron and I did while we were dating long distance was email each other every day: three of our strengths, three of our weaknesses, one random fact about ourselves, and one thing we MUST have in our future mate. (I will post in the future a list of things Christ-following women should be looking for in a future husband. Maybe Aaron can do a guest post for the vice versa.) Some of this could be discussed at the dating level, but really needs to be discussed at the committed relationship level to determine if you should continue on the path to marriage.

During this stage, you should try to experience each other’s character and personality in as many situations as possible. (But not physically; no sexual touching at all should occur. I know I sound crazy and old-fashioned, but it really can make things messier and more painful than they need to be.) Do you both want children? How does your boyfriend handle the holidays? Does your girlfriend really trust you or is she constantly jealous? Is your boyfriend’s mother overly involved in his life? These and other concerns should be discussed and observed.

During this stage it is important to learn how your boyfriend or girlfriend handles conflict. If you do get married, you will face a lot of it because that’s just how life works. You need to know if you will be able to face challenges together as a team or if you will be constantly battling each other. Take the time to learn how to listen well and to “fight fair”.

If you haven’t before this point, you should each have a mentor of the same sex who is in a healthy marriage that can walk alongside you as you progress in your relationship. Meet with your mentors separately and as a couple. Also, it is very important to continue fostering close, healthy friendships with members of the same sex. Set aside at least one night a week to spend apart from each other, to have alone time or to spend with your friends.

If your answer to Question #3 is yes, be excited as all get-out but prepare yourselves for one of the most challenging phases of your lives.

If your answer to Question #3 is no, it will of course be even more painful than if you had broken up at the previous relationship stage. But again, it must be done thoroughly and without a lot of delay. Avoid breaking up and getting back together, as this can cause a lot of confusion, heartache, and/or problems down the road. (Again, I know this one from WAY too much experience!)

Stay tuned for the last question…