cougars January 6, 2010

I had a really interesting discussion at dinner tonight. A friend shared a story about her teenage son who just graduated from high school. Apparently a woman at their church (who has three kids of her own), fully aware of his age, gave him her phone number and told him to call her sometime. And this happened AT church. She even wrote her number on a prayer request card.

Obviously there are so many things going on with this situation that it’s impossible to discuss them all. But in recent years I’ve really been fascinated by this “cougar” trend. It’s been explored in movies, reality shows, and sitcoms. Normally a woman is considered a “cougar” if she is 40 or over and seeking out men at least 8 years younger than she is. “Pumas” are women in their 30s–”cougars in training.”

I like to try to understand people and put myself into their shoes. I know I could easily be just as susceptible to doing something “crazy,” too. I wonder if these women are fulfilling a part of their lives from the past. Maybe they didn’t feel attractive to guys when they were in middle school or high school, and so they are “reliving” that desire with much younger boys. Or maybe they never quite grew out of the way they related with boys at that age. Maybe older women are going for much younger boys these days because of the lack of father roles in their lives. For a long time everybody would say girls look to marry guys that remind them of their dads. I think a lot of women got tired of hearing this because they wanted to be with someone who was anything BUT like their dads. So some end up looking for WAY younger guys so they can “train” them to be what they want them to be, instead of dealing with unresolved emotional issues.

And, our culture seems to think it’s hot for a young guy to be with an older woman. Just look at all the movies that have this theme in them (American Pie series, etc.) and popular songs (“Stacy’s Mom”).

But I don’t think it’s just “older” women who are “cougars” these days. I’m often shocked at the way even young girls are with boys. The girls do all the pursuing. They seem to look for guys who need rescuing. In our society’s efforts to empower women, I really feel like we’ve gone quite a bit too far in this area. I’m looking around and seeing a lot of unhappy girls and women–single and married–who have taken pursuit into their own hands.

Call me old fashioned, but I really believe ladies should back off and give guys a chance to be the ones to pursue. Yeah, that means they have to man up and take initiative and not sit on their rears expecting the world to come to them on a silver platter. But honestly, deep down this is what they want. They want to have to man up. They want to have what it takes to make a woman truly happy (this will take up a whole other blog post). They want to have to fight a little for it. But many of them have no earthly clue.

What say ye, ladies? What can we do to change things around? Or do you think things are okay the way they are? What’s your story and experience?

Memory markers October 29, 2009

This week I was reminded of the importance of remembering.

One of my favorite hymns is “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.” My favorite line is “Here I raise mine Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I’m come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home: Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.”

I’ve heard that some churches have rewritten this line because the word “Ebenezer” just makes everyone think of Scrooge. Well, this week in community group, I led us in investigating this word, its meaning, and the implications for us.

Ebenezer means “stone of help.” In 1 Samuel 7, after the Israelites had defeated the Philistines, Samuel set up a rock and named it Ebenezer.

Now, to us this would probably be a bit of a strange sight. But not for them; setting up a bunch of rocks was extremely meaningful. Later when their children or others would ask, “Hey…why is there this big pile of rocks here?” or “Why does this rock have a name?” it would be a perfect opportunity to tell them a story of God’s intervention and deliverance. Over and over in Scripture, God tells His people to REMEMBER. Throughout the Bible there are certain stories that are repeated (particularly the exodus) so that future generations would REMEMBER.

Last night we talked about this story and shared our own stories of God’s intervention. Every person has at least one. And the more you view the world as full of miracles, the more you tend to notice them.

One of my favorite things to do in the world is to listen to others tell stories of how God has “interrupted their day” as our pastor, Gary, would say. I remember my grandfather telling us the story of how he felt an angel holding his arm back from whacking off all his fingers with a butcher knife while he was trying to cut off a piece of chocolate from a huge brick of it. Last night we shared stories of how details worked out to bring us all to living in Nashville. I can recall countless miracles that have happened to those I know, from “big” stuff like being freed from addiction or walking away from a deadly wreck, down to “small” stuff like a narrow miss or being at the right place at the right time.

I think it’s important to make “memory markers” of some sort that can help us remember these events. Because there are going to be times when even though we are being obedient and loving God with all we’ve got, we will be so low and discouraged that we wonder if God forgot us or if we heard Him right in the first place. There are going to be times when we just don’t understand why a certain situation is going the way it is, or why a certain loved one is being the way they are. We’re going to feel lost and alone and like maybe God is mad at us.

These are the times we’ve got to remember. These are the times we need to recall the TRUE nature of God—that He loves us deeply and will never let us go through anything that can’t be worked out for our own good in the end. That He has rescued us before and He will do it again. I don’t know about you, but I desperately need that hope!

What do you use as these “reminders?” A ring or bracelet? A tattoo? A poster on the wall? A big rock in your front yard? Whatever would serve as a good reminder to you of how God has intervened in your life in the past, I recommend having one on hand at all times. He’s brought you this far and won’t ever leave you. Don’t give yourself a chance to forget His love and power that is at work within you.

the most important relationship May 17, 2009

I know it may sound cheesy to some, but the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with God. And it is a romantic one.

I remember several years ago reading The Sacred Romance. Talk about rocking my world. The concept of God being head-over-heels in love with me made me super uncomfortable at first. But I started seeing that after all He’s brought me through and all He’s rescued me from, it really must be true. And lately I’ve come to realize that my life depends on it.

One of my tendencies in the past (before Aaron) was to seek attention and approval from just about every guy I knew. (For those of you who knew me then, I apologize!) I wasn’t exactly interested in a relationship with them, I just needed to know I was desirable. Worth someone’s time and attention. Not as messed up as I thought I was. It took me a long time to consciously realize that this was what was going on. I was looking for affirmation and fulfillment from people who just weren’t equipped to do it. Because honestly, no human is equipped to fulfill the aching need we have for approval, to answer our deepest questions about ourselves. That can come only from a transcendent source. From the One who put the need there in the first place.

It was only after I abandoned the extremely high importance I placed on being married that I truly reached a point of healing in which I could say, “I am deeply loved, fully accepted and pleasing.” And wouldn’t you know that after a season of living in this aloneness with God as my lover, that He brought Aaron back into my life. (Yes, there’s quite a story there. We’ll save that for another post.)

Some other books that really helped me along the way: Captivating (in my mind, required reading for every woman in the world and any man that wants to understand them better); Wild at Heart (required reading for every man in the world and any woman that wants to understand them better); Redeeming Love; and the Psalms.

“The Lord your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy” (Zeph. 3:17, HCSB).

God’s colorful grace October 31, 2008

1 Peter 4:10:

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace” (ESV)

“As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.” (NASB)

“God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God’s generosity can flow through you.” (NLT)

“As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.” (KJV)

“Based on the gift they have received, everyone should use it to serve others, as good managers of the varied grace of God.” (HCSB)

“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.” (NIV)

I am not a major fan of the NIV, but I really love the imagery of us “administering” God’s grace. It makes me think of us as doctors or nurses, applying medicine to wounds… others’ wounds and our own…

And I love that God’s grace is “varied”. I’m rolling around some thoughts: does this mean that God’s grace can look different in different situations? Obviously there are some things about His grace that will always be the same– it will always be only from Him, it will always be unmerited, it will always be loving, it will always be available, it will always be unlimited. And we will always have to have our faith conduit hooked up to God in order to “administer” grace ourselves.

I know I’ve needed God’s grace– straight from Him, and extended to me from others.

SO… does this mean that our spiritual gifts are avenues by which we extend God’s grace to others? Obviously the Spirit pours out gifts on us in and because of His grace. Definitely spiritual gifts are necessary for the building of the church, for the health of the church, and for the effectiveness of the church (remember– church is people, not a place). I wonder if God wires each of us individually with certain gift combinations so that we can have different ways of partnering with God to bring spiritual health to one another, too. Varied ways of extending God’s grace.

If we go with the doctor/nurse imagery, this could mean that in some cases when we apply God’s grace to another person, it will be like soothing aloe on a sunburn. Other times it might have the sting of disinfecting a wound. Other times it might be like tying on a tourniquet.

Surely God’s grace is colorful and not just black or white?

broken by love July 24, 2008

Just some thoughts I’ve had rolling around in my head lately… may have to expand on them further at a later time.

I’m not so sure that being “broken over my sin” is the most important thing in the world to be broken over.

Now, don’t hear me say that repentance and godly sorrow are not important. They absolutely are. Christ asks us to “repent and believe”– this was the crux of His message (Mark 1:15). Recognizing our inability to make ourselves acceptable is, among many other things, part of what makes grace so irresistible.

BUT… as followers of Christ– those who have repented (turned around from going the wrong direction) and decided to believe God (that He is who He says He is, can do what He says He can do, that we are who He says we are)– can perhaps the focus be shifted from being broken over our sin to instead being broken by love?

And maybe it’s really just another way to say exactly the same thing as being broken over our sin. But to me, being broken by love makes the focus GOD and not me and my actions. It turns my heart and mind to recounting the incredible things God has done in the past, in my life and in others’ lives. It makes me see  Jesus on the cross, reminds me He is so crazy about me that He wasn’t going to let anything stand between us. Reminds me there’s a big world out there with a lot of people in it who haven’t ever even heard a person say the words “I love you” to them, let alone realized the Creator of the Universe is telling them He loves them.

Maybe it sounds more appealing to me because it requires more faith. More trust. Simply being broken over my sin makes me sit around depressed and wallowing in what an awful worm I am. But, godly sorrow– allowing myself to be broken by love– leads me to repentance, forgiveness, and a huge sigh of relief. It humbles me. In light of God’s love, it’s hard not to see Him for who He is– and who He is, is more than I will ever comprehend. I choose to believe God when He says that in Christ, I’m the apple of His eye, His beloved, the Bride of Christ, and His child. This is a much greater motivation to obey Him; much greater than simply avoiding feeling guilty or beating myself up when I make a mistake.

works-based sin February 21, 2008

One evening Aaron and I were at a great Thai food restaurant with a couple of friends. It was quite a long time ago so I can’t really remember the exact conversation, but we were discussing sin and redemption and other fun things. Somewhere along the way I said something about how we don’t want to base our salvation on works, and yet we base our sin on them– works-based sin.

Works-based (or “legalistic”) Christianity tells us we have to do and say all the right things, and avoid all the wrong things, in order to be good little boys and girls. Most Christians will say they don’t have a works-based view of their relationship with God. But do we of sin?

I’ve been rolling the thought around in my head for a few years now and have been asked by some new friends what “sin” is. In the past I’ve described it as “missing the mark” (like when you’re shooting at a target and miss the bullseye) which is what the Greek word most often used in the New Testament technically means, although its usage brings a little more into the picture. Here are some definitions from Strong’s (I cut it down a bit but if you want to check it out for yourself there is a free tool at www.blueletterbible.org):

(a) a principle or source of action, or an inward element producing acts, e.g., Rom 3:9; 5:12,13,20; 6:1,2; 7:7 (abstract for concrete);
(b) a governing principle or power, e.g., Rom 6:6; “(the body) of sin,” here “sin” is spoken of as an organized power, acting through the members of the body, though the seat of “sin” is in the will (the body is the organic instrument);
(c) a generic term (distinct from specific terms such as No. 2 yet sometimes inclusive of concrete wrong doing, e.g., Jhn 8:21,34,46; 9:41; 15:22,24; 19:11);
(d) a sinful deed, an act of “sin,” e.g., Mat 12:31; Act 7:60; Jam 1:15 (1st part); 2:9; 4:17; 5:15,20; 1Jo 5:16 (1st part).

In my most recent conversation about the definition of “sin” I tried to describe it in terms of inner motivation rather than mere outward action. Otherwise I think we run the risk of basing too much on our “works”. Please don’t hear me say that our actions are not important– they absolutely are. They speak louder than words. God has commanded us to do many things throughout His Word. However, in this sense, I hope we can avoid limiting “sin” to our outward actions when it initially takes place at the soul level. Or, as our first definition above says, “the source of action.”

Followers of Christ believe that we cannot do anything to earn a relationship with God. We can’t do anything to wash away the guilt of our past mistakes. We can’t do anything in and of ourselves to make ourselves truly happy in this life. Left to ourselves, we can’t have a hope of a life with God after we depart from this earth. If we could do something on our own to make all that happen, why in the world would God have let Jesus die such a horrible, gruesome, devastating death?

Jesus said that He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the One Who, on our behalf, made peace with God– He had no sin, but took the punishment for the sin of the world. He purchased our forgiveness and new-found innocence with His blood. He gave us the right to be called God’s kids. He brings us overflowing life– life full of not only stinkin’ awesome moments, but also really blasted tough ones. And He will welcome us to His side when we leave our dusty jars of clay behind.

So how do we get in on this?

Grace.

Throughout the New Testament we’re reminded that we cannot “earn” this grace. Grace by its very nature is “un-earnable” if you will.

But surely we have some part to play in this thing, right?

Yes.

This is the part where faith comes in. I like to think of faith as a conduit, a lifeline, an aqueduct, or what have you. Faith connects us to God. To His heart. All sorts of things come to us through that conduit of faith. Grace comes to us through faith: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9, NASB). Faith is essentially trusting God that He is Who He says He is and that He can do what He says He can do.

So what do we do with this faith? “Salvation that comes from trusting Christ– which is the message we preach– is already within easy reach. In fact, the Scriptures say, ‘The message is close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart.’ For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, ‘Anyone who believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ (Romans 10:8-11, NLT).

Sin is doing the wrong thing. But more than that, sin is knowing the difference between the right and wrong thing, and still doing the wrong thing. Sin is also doing the wrong thing unintentionally, as we see from our definitions above; sin can have such a hold on us, such a power over us, that we don’t even realize how deep we’ve gotten into it. Sin can numb us to God’s voice. Sin can fool us into thinking that we are having a great time, when deep down we know we are drowning. Sin will keep us longer than we intended to stay and take more from us than we ever wanted to give. (And yes, I know what I’m talking about, I’ve been there– even as a Christ follower.)

So all this to say, for the follower of Christ, having been forgiven and having received all the benefits of being connected to God, what role does sin play in our newly created selves? Do we avoid doing/saying/thinking the wrong things just because we shouldn’t do/say/think them? Or is there a deeper level now, a level of our souls that knows when we do/say/think sinful things, it hurts God’s heart? Will we allow ourselves to move to a much more vulnerable place with God– a place where we allow the things that hurt Him to hurt us, too? The question then becomes not “how sinful can I get away with being” but “through God’s power, how Christ-like can I be?” We move away from a works-based view of sin and closer to the Father’s heart.

For those of us who follow Christ and yet struggle with the power sin seems to have over us, know that the same grace that God lavished on you when you first decided to follow Him is like a bottomless well. Hook up your faith pipeline to it and drink it in. Pour it over your head. Swim in it. Whatever you do, don’t allow the sorrow of your sin keep you from running into God’s arms. That’s just what satan, the one who loves to see you as screwed up as possible, wants you to do– be so full of shame that you can’t bear the thought of opening that part of you to God. Guilt is sometimes necessary because it leads us to change our course of action and choose the better path that God has for us. But once we are going in the right direction again, we have no business feeling guilty anymore (check out 2 Corinthians 7:10). GOD LOVES YOU. When you talk to Him, He smiles like a proud parent. When you come to Him, He welcomes you like a lover. HE WILL NOT REJECT YOU. Let Him free you from whatever “it” is. It may take some time and the road may seem long and painful, but trust me… it’s worth it.

I stand amazed in the presence… February 13, 2008

I had a particularly wonderful morning of worship today. Singing with the choir at work, the only way to describe what happened this morning is that the Holy Spirit fell. We are always in the presence of our Savior, but there are times when He feels particularly close. This morning was one of those times.

“I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene, and I wonder how He could love me—a sinner, condemned unclean. How marvelous, how wonderful! And my song shall ever be: how marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior’s love for me.”

I couldn’t make it through the song without crying. I had to just let the tears fall. Tears can be so heavy with God’s glory. I hoped no one was looking at me.

Later as I was sitting alone, I let the words wash over me again. I am no longer condemned unclean. There is no condemnation in Christ. This is something that was a long struggle for me to fully embrace, as I had grown accustomed to punishing myself if someone else wasn’t doing it.

I told Jesus, “I really just wish I could be with You. I get so sick of myself.”

His response came, “But I love you.”

I said, “But I’m proud.”

Again, His response was, “But I love you.”

I protested, “But I do so many stupid things.”

The gentle answer came again, “But I love you.”

I thought of a dozen other things I could say about myself, but realized that His answer is always going to be the same:

“But I love you.”